Bluelightning

Bluelightning

is the name of the WiFi

that died

and ended my relationship.

Its password was “calicali”,

All lowercase,

Not one letter more important than the next.

Technology is a bitch,

And now,

So was I.

After one weekend, your name was no longer the top of my Instagram DM list,

Your number no longer on a bypass,

So it’d ring every time you’d call,

(Even if i was in do not disturb),

(Even when it was detrimental to disturb me).

Your photo was no longer pinned to the top of my messages list,

A solo circle while everyone else just had a name and a line.

It shouldn’t have been this way,

Wasn’t meant to be.

In fact, I loved you on Tuesday.

«

I wrote you into my will.

You’re fourth in line.

It goes:

My brother,

My mom,

My dad,

You.

The lawyer said, “Wait,

Don’t you have two brothers?”

And I said, “Not really,”

Then spelled your name,

“R - Y - A - N”

When I told you,

“Hey good news, if my whole family dies, you’ll be rich!”

You said, “What the fuck! I should be first in line!”

And I’d be lying if I didn’t contemplate it,

Like whatever,

I’ll be dead,

What’s the harm?

It’s not that much money.

But I didn’t want my dad to find out,

He’d give me that look,

The one that says, “It’s your life,”

He might even say,

“It’s your money,” with a shrug.

But I know that he’d be judging me.

He’d tell my mom,

(There are no secrets in my family),

And she’d say, “Oh no, not without a ring,”

And I would joke,

“Well how else would you expect him to be able to buy it?!”

So when the lawyer read it back to me,

Confirmed,

“Ok, so Ryan comes next?”

I smiled with my bright pink lipgloss on the other side of the FaceTime screen,

And said, “Yep, give ‘em the pewter medal.”

That was Tuesday.

«

But then,

On Thursday,

I told him,

“You looooove to spend my money without appreciating what it takes to earn it,”

As miles of darkened cornfields flew past us in our periphery,

“WHAT?!” he shouted, his eyes still transfixed on the road.

I didn’t really mean it, but I didn’t take it back.

I had been mad about the WiFi,

That I had asked him to check,

BEFORE we got there,

To his friend’s house,

In the middle of nowhere,

In the middle of the week.

“Please check that there will be WiFi in the guest house,” I said to him.

So i could work while he fucked around all day.

(I didn’t say that last part, it is always implied).

And when we got there,

There was no WiFi.

“Can you help me figure out this hotspot?”

I asked him.

“I’m not the one who works for a tech company,”

He said, running down the stairs and off to fuck around.

I was frantic trying to figure out where I could go.

I was an hour away from civilization,

In a completely useless six million dollar house.

“Why would I have checked if they had WiFi? They have a six million dollar house,” he justified later.

“YEAH, A SIX MILLION DOLLAR HOUSE WITHOUT👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻WIFI👏🏻!!!” I shouted back.

666.

I had texted him over and over and over again as i scrambled and panicked.

“Can you get me a cup of coffee?”

“I need to go into the office.”

“Will Uber get me out here?”

“I’m leaving, it’s an hour away.”

“Can you bring me a cup of coffee?”

I called him and called him.

Voicemail. Voicemail.

He must not have me on bypass.

Finally, I texted him,

“I understand doing anything for me is a foreign concept to you.”

And then, as I was about to leave the house,

To jump into the Uber where I almost kissed the driver on the mouth because I was so happy to escape,

Ryan walked back in the guest house,

Coffee in hand.

He hadn’t read any of my texts yet.

I knew that already because he has read receipts on.

Fuck.

He looked down at his phone.

Fuck.

“Are you for real?” he asked me, looking more dejected than mad.

“You took an hour.”

He checked the timestamps.

“It was twelve minutes.”

I left.

When I came back,

We fought like blue lightning.

You’re a cunt,

A bitch,

A selfish narcissist,

An asshole,

He told me.

He was mad about a lot of things,

That I don’t empty the dishwasher as soon as it's ready,

That I don’t pet his friend’s dog,

That I put my job over everything.

But mostly, he’s upset that I’m not the girl he thought I was,

I’m not who he thinks I could be,

I’m imperfect,

I get motion sickness,

And have anxiety,

And meet with a therapist once a week.

Apologize,

He demanded of me.

“Absolutely the fuck not, not after that performance,” I said back.

“I’ve never met a more stubborn person in my life,” he seethed.

“Rich coming from you,” I said.

The pun,

intended,

I meant it,

Cha-ching.

calicali

Was the catalyst to end the love we built.

«

I cried on the plane,

Two seats over from him,

No one in between,

Where he wasn’t looking at me,

And I wasn’t watching the shows I downloaded for us to share earbuds and play.

I stared off into space,

Sunglasses hiding my face,

Thinking that the worst thing you could ever do to a person,

Is pretend.