Rad as F&!K

I pretend I don’t know what day it is. I avoid writing the date. I changed my flight to leave today. It felt safer to be trapped somewhere. A tube in the sky. Thank God for airplane mode.

Every year prior to this one, I had stayed up until midnight the night before. I wanted to be the first to wish you “happy birthday”, even though you never invited me to your parties.

I always planned well in advance: a thoughtful gift, a gesture, what I would write in your card.

I keep a card in my office drawer (I’m sure you know that by now). It says, “You’re rad as fuck,” in big, colorful block letters. I’ve had it since 2015. I was going to give it to you. The message I had planned to write was this:

I’ve had this card for a weirdly long time. I used to buy them in batches, but for some reason, I could never part with this one – I liked it too much. I’d constantly decide to give it to someone, and then refrain, because they never felt quite deserving. I finally decided I would save it until I loved someone as much as this card…silly I know.

 [An aside: What I really meant, was I was saving this card for the person I knew I would marry, because then, I’d never really have to part with it at all]

To be honest, I’ve been excited to give this to you for years. For multiple years in a row, my New Years’ resolution was to tell you I loved you. And now that you have this in your hands, it means I finally did.

 I love you.

But I didn’t give you the card. I didn’t wait up until midnight. I didn’t marry you. I just pretend instead, that I don’t know what day it is.