The Seven Stages of Grief | Depression
The Seven Stages of Grief
v. Depression
After you left, I used your towel for a week,
I cannot get clean from you.
«
Someone once told me,
“Never settle for a love that feels anything less than magic,”
But when I reached my hand inside,
I found there were no more rabbits left for me to pull out of this hat.
«
I go to work like nothing is wrong,
Smile smile smile,
Meeting meeting meeting,
Type type type,
Dinner dinner dinner,
When I get back to my hotel room,
It’s,
Sob
Sob.
Sob.
«
When the weekend finally comes,
I cry so hard I can’t speak,
The tissues deteriorate onto my fingertips,
I should have just let the tears hit my hands,
Free form,
The barrier is nothing more than a mirage.
«
I am,
Cloth,
Wet paper,
Mucus stains.
I am,
Fluid,
Liquid,
I am not,
Solid.
«
Every bite of food I take feels like I am forcing it down my throat,
Against my will.
Since I left you,
It’s harder to white knuckle than ever before.
«
My phone feels like nothing more than a bright box I keep by my side,
You no longer live inside it.
«
I tell myself,
You can’t miss something that’s not there,
What will be for me will come,
Our paths may merge again some day.
I tell myself all of the mantras,
I can’t tell them apart from your lies,
It all sounds the same to me.
«
What if I never stop loving you?
What if my eyes stay swollen forever this way?
Do you remember when you said that I had stopped telling you, ‘I love you,’ after a certain day?
It was because your response was to nod your head like you’d won something,
Instead of saying, ‘I love you, too.’
«
Being with you,
Was like being robbed of beautiful moments,
Like a red wine stain on a wedding dress,
Like a beautiful eulogy the deceased will never hear.
«
You know,
I’ve missed you in so many cities,
London,
Paris,
Amsterdam,
San Francisco,
Los Angeles,
Maui,
You know,
You were with me in them all.
«
I am sick thinking of you with another woman,
Will you ask her to scratch your back, too?
Of course you will,
You’ve always known how to get your needs met.
«
Do you think of me while she draws her fingernail streets across the cities of your skin?
You’re always exactly who you are,
So,
Probably not.
«
Nothing shows someone’s true colors,
Quite like the fear of loss.
You stole from me.
And I was a fool.
I was kind.
I carefully placed the melatonin and sleeping pills I had bought for you into a ziplock baggie,
And even though I thought about keeping some for myself,
I refrained,
Because I had bought them for you.
Now,
I lay awake, restless in New York City,
Announcing to no one,
“And for my next trick,
I’m going to mix depression medication with Xanax and a bottle of wine.”
«
Sadness is the hardest emotion to explain,
It feels so cliché.
At one point,
I shout,
“I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.”
But,
Nothing changes,
Other than the fact,
I’ve said something out loud.
«
On day 9,
I wash my hair,
It turns from brown to blonde,
It wasn’t my roots showing,
It was dirt.
«
On day 9,
You post photos of your smiling,
Vibrant,
Beautiful,
Face,
Onto a dating app.
“Just for friends,”
You lie.
It’s your move,
You forget I know your secrets.
The manipulation had worked on me,
I was just your friend once, too.
«
I put my face so deep into the pillow that when I gasp for air,
I pull the fabric deep into my throat,
Choking,
Just in a different way.
I did this.
I did this,
I did this,
I did this.
I broke up with you.
Undo,
Undo,
Undo.
«
I gave you everything.
And it still wasn’t enough.
There’s nothing left to go back to.
I have nothing left to give.
«
I’m the only person who fell in love with a narcissist,
And didn’t get love bombed.
«
I grew so you didn’t have to,
Took the blame so you could remain scot free.
I paid figuratively, mentally, emotionally, physically,
Literally,
Only to leave in the end.
And I can’t help but to think,
If it’s not you,
God, I always wanted it to be you,
Who will it be?
«
Who will ever love me now?